Sunday, 27 February 2011
Retired People
Banned from a Supermarket
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog and I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, "I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear end and a car hit me."
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from that supermarket!
Better watch what you ask retired people..
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say..
Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day.
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Saturday, 12 February 2011
Makes you wonder?
Whose idea was it to put a s in lisp?
Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?
If a policeman arrests a mute does he still tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Before they invented the drawing board what did they go back to?
If practice makes perfect and no body's perfect, why bother practising?
Where do people in hell tell other people to go to?
If a fly had no wings would it be called a walk?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
Why is a boxing ring square?
If you had a friend who was a psychic could you throw a surprise party for him?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of god?
When a deaf person goes to court is it still called a hearing?
Why is the fear of long words "Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?"
Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?
If a policeman arrests a mute does he still tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Before they invented the drawing board what did they go back to?
If practice makes perfect and no body's perfect, why bother practising?
Where do people in hell tell other people to go to?
If a fly had no wings would it be called a walk?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
Why is a boxing ring square?
If you had a friend who was a psychic could you throw a surprise party for him?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of god?
When a deaf person goes to court is it still called a hearing?
Why is the fear of long words "Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?"
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
A few jokes for you
1. A man goes to the doctors and says "Doctor I think I have a lettuce stuck up my bum." The doctor then examines him and has a good feel around and then says, "Sorry sir but this is just the tip of the Iceberg"
2. Irish man on Who wants to be a millionaire?
He says to Chris Tarrant "Chris I don't know the answer" Tarrant says "You can ask the audience or have 50/50 or you can even phone a friend" He says "OK I will phone a friend" Tarrant hands him the phone "Hello Paddy, I am just phoning to ask you shall I take 50/50 or ask the audience?"
3. My wife went to the beauty parlour where she had a mudpack and she looked great for 2 days, then the mud fell off.
4 A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt who name him "Ahmal" the other goes to a family in Spain who name him "Juan"
Years later Juan locates his birth mother and sends her a photograph of himself. Upon receiving this photo, she tells her husband that she wish that she had a photograph of Ahmal. To which her husband responds "They are twins! once you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal"
5. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced a big set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
Which made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis!
2. Irish man on Who wants to be a millionaire?
He says to Chris Tarrant "Chris I don't know the answer" Tarrant says "You can ask the audience or have 50/50 or you can even phone a friend" He says "OK I will phone a friend" Tarrant hands him the phone "Hello Paddy, I am just phoning to ask you shall I take 50/50 or ask the audience?"
3. My wife went to the beauty parlour where she had a mudpack and she looked great for 2 days, then the mud fell off.
4 A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt who name him "Ahmal" the other goes to a family in Spain who name him "Juan"
Years later Juan locates his birth mother and sends her a photograph of himself. Upon receiving this photo, she tells her husband that she wish that she had a photograph of Ahmal. To which her husband responds "They are twins! once you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal"
5. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced a big set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
Which made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis!
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